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Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
- My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
- If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
- It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
- Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
- I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
- Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
- It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
- When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
- It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I
go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after."
- Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
- It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
- Have I sent this message to you before, or did I get it from you?
Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former classmates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works. Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says, "Looks like he's still celebrating!"
Thought something in here might be useful for folks "our" age. I do not know who wrote it.
Twenty-one Rules For a Good Old Age
- It's time to use the money you saved up. Use it and enjoy it. Don't just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it. Remember there is nothing more dangerous than a relative with big ideas for your hard earned capital. Warning: The golden years are not necessarily a good time for an investment, even if it seems wonderful or fool-proof. It may only bring problems and worries and this is a time for you to enjoy some peace and quiet.
- Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren, and don't feel bad spending your money on yourself. You've taken care of them for many years, and you've taught them what you could. You gave them an education, food, shelter and support. The responsibility is now theirs to earn their own money.
- Keep a healthy life, without great physical effort. Do moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep. It's easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy. That is why you need to keep yourself in good shape and be aware of your medical and physical needs. Keep in touch with your doctor, do tests even when you're feeling well. Stay informed.
- Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other. The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner. One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then, enjoy it together.
- Don't stress over little things. You've already overcome so much in your life. You have good memories and bad ones, but the important thing is the present. Don't let the past drag you down and don't let the future frighten you. Feel good in the now. Small issues will soon be forgotten
- Regardless of age, always keep love alive. Love your partner, love life, love your family, love your neighbor and remember: "A man is not old as long as he has intelligence and affection."
- Be proud, both inside and out. Don't stop going to your hair salon or barber, do your nails, go to the dermatologist and the dentist, keep your perfumes and creams well stocked. When you are well-maintained on the outside, it seeps in, making you feel proud and strong.
- Don't lose sight of fashion trends for your age. But keep your own sense of style. There's nothing worse than an older person trying to wear the current fashion among youngsters. You've developed your own sense of what looks good on you - keep it and be proud of it. It's part of who you are.
- ALWAYS stay up-to-date. Read the news, watch the news. Go online and read what people are saying. Make sure you have an active email account and try to use some of those social networks, you'll be surprised what old friends you'll meet. Keeping in touch with what is going on and with the people you know is a important at any age.
- Respect the younger generation and their opinions. They may not have the same ideals as you, but they are the future, and will take the world in their direction. Give advice, not criticism, and try to remind them of yesterday's wisdom that still applies today.
- Never use the phrase: "In my time." Your time is now. As long as you're alive, you are part of this time. You may have been younger, but you are still you now, having fun and enjoying life.
- Some people embrace their golden years, while others become bitter and surly. Life is too short to waste your days on the latter. Spend your time with positive, cheerful people, it'll rub off on you and your days will seem that much better. Spending your time with bitter people will make you older and harder to be around.
- Do not surrender to the temptation of living with your children or grandchildren (if you have a financial choice, that is). Sure, being surrounded by family sounds great, but we all need our privacy. They need theirs and you need yours. If you've lost your partner (our deepest condolences), then find a person to move in with you and help out. Even then, do so only if you feel you really need the help or do not want to live alone.
- Don't abandon your hobbies. If you don't have any, make new ones. You can travel, hike, cook, read, dance. You can adopt a cat or a dog, grow a garden, play cards, checkers, chess, dominoes, golf. You can paint, volunteer at an NGO or just collect certain items. Find something you like and spend some real time having fun with it.
- Even if you don't feel like it, try to accept invitations. Baptisms, graduations, birthdays, weddings, confrences. Try to go. Get out of the house, meet people you haven't seen in a while, experience something new (or something old). But don't get upset when you're not invited. Some events are limited by resources, and not everyone can be hosted. The important thing is to leave the house from time to time. Go to museums, go walk through a field. Get out there.
- Be a conversationalist. Talk less and listen more. Some people go on and on about the past, not caring if their listeners are really interested. That's a great way of reducing their desire to speak with you. Listen first and answer questions, but don't go off into long stories unless asked to. Speak in courteous tones and try not to complain or criticize too much unless you really need to. Try to accept situations as they are. Everyone is going through the same things, and people have a low tolerance for hearing complaints. Always find some good things to say as well.
- Pain and discomfort go hand in hand with getting older. Try not to dwell on them but accept them as a part of the cycle of life we're all going through. Try to minimize them in your mind. They are not who you are, they are something that life added to you. If they become your entire focus, you lose sight of the person you used to be.
- If you've been offended by someone, forgive them. If you've offended someone, apologize. Don't drag around resentment with you. It only serves to make you sad and bitter. It doesn't matter who was right. Someone once said: "Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die." Don't take that poison. Forgive, forget and move on with your life.
- If you have a strong belief, savor it. Others will make their own choices no matter what you tell them, and it will only bring you frustration. Live your faith and set an example. Live true to your beliefs and let that memory sway them.
- Laugh. Laugh A LOT. Laugh at everything. Remember, you are one of the lucky ones. You managed to have a life, a long one. Many never get to this age, never get to experience a full life. But you did. So what's not to laugh about? Find the humor in your situation.
- Take no notice of what others say about you and even less notice of what they might be thinking. They'll do it anyway, and you should have pride in yourself and what you've achieved. Let them talk and don't worry. They have no idea about your history, your memories and the life you've lived so far. There's still much to be written, so get busy writing and don't waste time thinking about what others might think. Now is the time to be at rest, at peace and as happy as you can be!
Truths About Life
- Death is the #1 killer in the world.
- Life is sexually transmitted.
- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eye, make him a sandwich.
- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
- In the 1960s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Thought for the Day
"I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the socks I wore in high school."
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Waverly High School. "Yes, I sure did. I'm a Waverly Warrior!" he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?," I asked.
He answered, "In 1969. Why do you ask?"
"I think you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit, old man asked, "Really? What did you teach?"
This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called "out-of-the-blue" to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling some of that "old magic." Wow! I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now," I said, "I'm a bit older, and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus, I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I could "rise to the occasion."
"Yeah," I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. Then she teased me by saying that tubby, grey-haired older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
"Besides," she giggled, "I may have put on a few pounds myself."
So I told her to get lost.
Middle-Age Texting Codes
- ATD - At the doctor
- BFF - Best friend fell
- BTW - Bring the wheelchair
- BYOT - Bring your own teeth
- FWIW - Forgot where I was
- GGPBL - Gotta go, pacemaker battery low
- GHA - Got heartburn again
- IMHO - Is my hearing aid on?
- LMDO - Laughing my dentures out
- IPM - I pooped myself
- OMMR - On my massage recliner
- ROFLACGU - Rolling on floor, laughing, and can't get up
Today's Society (Thanks to classmate Barb "Lynn Brown" Gunnerfeldt for these!)
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
- There is great need for a sarcasm font.
- How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- Was learning cursive really necessary?
- Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
Why Do I Like Retirement?!
- Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
- Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
- Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
- Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
- Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
- Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
- Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
- Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
- Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
- Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
- Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
- Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
- Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
- QUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING... Saturday and Sunday, I rest.
The Senility Prayer
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
Back Then vs Today
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David falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
Jeff won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
- Back Then... David soon feels better and goes back to playing.
- Today... Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. David undergoes five years of psychological therapy.
John picks a fistfight with Mark after school.
- Back Then... Jeff is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
- Today... Jeff is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra district funding because Jeff has a disability.
Bill breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
- Back Then... Crowd gathers. Mark wins. John and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
- Today... Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests John and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though John started it.
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
- Back Then... Bill is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
- Today... Bill's dad is arrested for child abuse. Bill is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Bill's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Bill's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Bob takes apart leftover 4th of July firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an ant hill.
- Back Then... Mark shares aspirin with the school principal who is outside having a smoke.
- Today... Police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Juan fails high-school English.
- Back Then... Ants die.
- Today... FBI is called and Bob is charged with domestic terrorism. They investigate his parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Bob's dad goes on a Terror Watch List and is never allowed to fly again.
Carl goes duck hunting on Sunday, pulls into school parking lot on Monday with shotgun still in his pickup truck.
- Back Then... Juan goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
- Today... Juan's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Lawyers file class action lawsuit against the public school system and Juan's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Juan is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
- Back Then... Vice-principal comes over, looks at Carl's shotgun, goes to his own car and gets his own shotgun to show Carl. They compare guns and swap hunting stories.
- Today... School goes into lockdown, the Feds and ATF are called, Carl is hauled off to jail and never sees his gun or truck again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.
Then & Now
Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair
Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux
Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm
Then: Growing pot
Now: Growing pot belly
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
Now: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
Then: Seeds and stems
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints
Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer
Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM
Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian
Then: Going to a new, hip joint
Now: Receiving a new hip joint
Then: Rolling Stones
Now: Kidney Stones
Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Calling the principal's office
Then: Screw the system
Now: Upgrade the system
Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
Then: Taking acid
Now: Taking antacid
Then: Passing the drivers' test
Now: Passing the vision test
Do You Remember When...
- All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
- It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
- Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
- Nobody owned a purebred dog?
- When a quarter was a decent allowance?
- Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
- All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had
their hair done every day and wore high heels?
- You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air? And, you got S&H Green Stamps to boot?
- Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
- It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?
- They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed... and they did?
- When a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car... to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people "went steady?"
- No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
- Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a..."
- Playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
- Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
- When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home? Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
- Do you remember Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.
- Summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
- Do you remember candy cigarettes, wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside, soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles, coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes, Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum, home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers, newsreels before the movie, P.F. Fliers, telephone numbers with a word prefix (IVanhoe 5-9861), party lines, peashooters, 45 RPM records, Green Stamps, Hi-Fi's, metal ice cubes trays with levers, mimeograph paper, Beanie & Cecil, roller-skate keys, cork pop guns, drive-ins, Studebakers, washtub wringers, The Fuller Brush Man, reel-to-reel tape recorders, Tinkertoys, Erector sets, The Fort Apache Play Set, Lincoln Logs, 15-cent McDonald hamburgers, 5-cent packs of baseball cards with that awful pink slab of bubble gum, penny candy, 35-cent a gallon gasoline, Jiffy Pop popcorn
- Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
- Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?
- "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
- Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
- It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
- The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?
- Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot or pea-shooter (a straw!)?
- A foot of snow was a dream come true?
- Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
- "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?
- Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
- The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
- War was a card game?
- Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
- Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
- Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
Memorable Catchphrases (How many do YOU remember?)
- "And that's the way it is..." (Walter Cronkite, "CBS Evening News")
- "Ask not what your country can do for you..." (John F. Kennedy)
- "Baby, you're the greatest." (Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden, "The Honeymooners")
- "Come on down!" (Johnny Olson, "The Price is Right")
- "Danger, Will Robinson." (Robot, "Lost in Space")
- "Gee, Mrs. Cleaver..." (Eddie Haskell, "Leave it to Beaver")
- "Good grief." (Charlie Brown, "Peanuts" specials)
- "Good night, and good luck." (Edward R. Murrow, "See It Now")
- "Have you no sense of decency?" (Joseph Welch to Sen. McCarthy)
- "Here's Johnny!" (Ed McMahon, "The Tonight Show")
- "Holy (whatever), Batman!" (Robin, "Batman")
- "How sweet it is!" (Jackie Gleason, "The Jackie Gleason Show")
- "I can't believe I ate the whole thing." (Alka Seltzer ad)
- "I'm not a crook..." (Richard Nixon)
- "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV." (Vicks Formula 44 ad)
- "It takes a licking..." (Timex ad)
- "Nip it!" (Barney Fife, "The Andy Griffith Show")
- "Now cut that out!" (Jack Benny, "The Jack Benny Program")
- "One small step for man..." (Neil Armstrong)
- "Say good night, Gracie." (George Burns, "The Burns & Allen Show")
- "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids." (Trix cereal ad)
- "Smile, you're on 'Candid Camera."' ("Candid Camera")
- "Space, the final frontier..." (Capt. Kirk, "Star Trek")
- "Tastes great! Less filling!" (Miller Lite beer ad)
- "The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat..." (Jim McKay, "ABC's Wide World of Sports")
- "This is the city..." (Sgt. Joe Friday, "Dragnet")
- "Time to make the donuts." ("Dunkin' Donuts" ad)
- "We've got a really big show!" (Ed Sullivan, "The Ed Sullivan Show")
- "Yabba dabba do!" (Fred Flintstone, "The Flintstones")
- "You rang?" (Lurch, "The Addams Family"... also Maynard G. Krebs, "Dobie Gillis")
You know you're living in the 21st century when...
- You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
- You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
- You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
- Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
- You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
- You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
- You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
- You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
- Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
- Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
- Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is
now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
- You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
- You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
Every ten years, as summertime nears,
An announcement arrives in the mail,
A reunion is planned; it'll be really grand;
Make plans to attend without fail.
I'll never forget the first time we met;
We tried so hard to impress.
We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars,
And wore our most elegant dress.
It was quite an affair; the whole class was there.
It was held at a fancy hotel.
We wined, and we dined, and we acted refined,
And everyone thought it was swell.
The men all conversed about who had been first
To achieve great fortune and fame.
Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses
And how beautiful their children became.
The homecoming queen, who once had been lean,
Now weighed in at 196.
The jocks who were there had all lost their hair,
And the cheerleaders could no longer do kicks.
No one had heard about the class nerd
Who'd guided a spacecraft to the moon;
Or poor little Jane, who's always been plain;
She married a shipping tycoon.
The boy we'd decreed "most apt to succeed"
Was serving ten years in the pen,
While the one voted "least" now was a priest;
Just shows you can be wrong now and then.
They awarded a prize to one of the guys
Who seemed to have aged the least.
Another was given to the grad who had driven
The farthest to attend the feast.
They took a class picture, a curious mixture
Of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties.
Tall, short, or skinny, the style was the mini;
You never saw so many thighs
At our next get-together, no one cared whether
They impressed their classmates or not.
The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal;
By this time we'd all gone to pot.
It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores;
We ate hamburgers, coleslaw, and beans.
Then most of us lay around in the shade,
In our comfortable T-shirts and jeans.
By the fortieth year, it was abundantly clear,
We were definitely over the hill.
Those who weren't dead had to crawl out of bed,
And be home in time for their pill.
And now I can't wait as they've set the date;
Our sixtieth is coming, I'm told.
It should be a ball, they've rented a hall
At the Shady Rest Home for the old.
Repairs have been made on my old hearing aid;
My pacemaker's been turned up on high.
My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled;
And I've bought a new wig and glass eye.
I'm feeling quite hearty; I'm ready to party,
I'll dance until dawn's early light.
It'll be lots of fun; and I hope at least one
Other person can make it that night.
Baby Boomer Quiz
- After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful
citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably, someone would
answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind."
What did he leave behind?_____.
- When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them
on the, _____ show.
- Get your kicks, _____.
- The story you are about to see is true. The names have been
- In the jungle, the mighty jungle,_____.
- After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced"
under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance
called the _____.
- N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestle's makes the very best, _____.
- Satchmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill." Our parents shared this
great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was, _____.
- What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _____.
- Red Skelton's hobo character was _____. Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good night,
- Some Americans who protested the Vietnam war did so by
burning their _____.
- The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front,
was called the VW. What other names did it go by?
- In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died."
This was a tribute to _____.
- We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it;
it was called _____.
- One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we
twirled around our waist; it was called the _____.
- The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
- The Ed Sullivan show.
- Route 66
- to protect the innocent.
- The Lion sleeps tonight.
- The limbo
- Louis Armstrong
- The Timex watch.
- Freddy the freeloader, and "Good night, and may God Bless."
- draft cards (the bra was also burned)
- Beetle or Bug (or even Slug Bug!)
- Buddy Holly
The Perks of Being Over 50
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
- You can live without sex but not without glasses.
- You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.
- You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
- You sing along with elevator music.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Your health plan is beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
Games for When We Are Older
- Sag, You're it!
- 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
- Kick the bucket.
- Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
- Doc Goose.
- Simon says something incoherent.
- Hide and go pee.
- Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
- Musical recliners.
Signs of Menopause
- You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
- Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using
you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are
not amused, you shoot him. (twice)
- You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
- The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives
you four hours of decent rest.
- You change your underwear after every sneeze.
- You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a
field trip to Chippendale's.
Old is When...
Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs
and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
- Your friends compliment you on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.
- A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.
- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
- You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long
as you don't have to go along.
- You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
of by the police.
- "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take
any fiber today.
- "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the
- An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
Living in Michigan
You know you're a true MICHIGANDER when...
- If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.
- If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pelston is the coldest spot in the nation
- If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March
- If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year
- If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there
- If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead
- If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time
- If your town has an equal number of bars and churches
- If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number
- "Vacation" means going up north on I-75.
- You measure distance in hours.
- You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
- You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
- You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
- You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
- You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
- You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
- You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
- You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and under construction.
- You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
- Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
- You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
- Down South to you means Ohio.
- A brat is something you eat.
- Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.
- You go out to a fish fry every Friday.
- Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
- You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
- You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
- You drink pop and bake with soda.
- Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.
- You know what a Yooper is.
- You know that UP is a place, not a direction.
- You know it's possible to live in the thumb.
- You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a kevlar vest.
Great Truths Adults Have Learned
- Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
- Wrinkles don't hurt.
- Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
- Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
- Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
- Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
Great Truths About Growing Old
- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
- Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
- When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're
- You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
- It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers
ask you the questions.
- Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
- Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
The Four Stages of Life
- You believe in Santa Claus.
- You don't believe in Santa Claus.
- You are Santa Claus.
- You look like Santa Claus.
At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is having friends.
At age 16, success is having a drivers license.
At age 20, success is going all the way.
At age 35, success is having money.
At age 50, success is having money.
At age 60, success is going all the way.
At age 70, success is having a drivers license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.
Black & White
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."
Depending on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura or Ward and June.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys,
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke,
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too.
Donna Reed on Thursday night!
Life looked better in black and white.
I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives.
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothing is the way it seems,
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too many fights,
I wanna go back to black and white.
In God they trusted. Alone in bed, they slept,
A promise made, was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right.
Life was better in black and white!
Top 40 Tunes (Re-released)
- Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"
- Bobby Darin: "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash"
- Ringo Starr: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends"
- Paul Simon: "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
- The Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"
- Marvin Gaye: "Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
- The Temptations: "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
- Abba: "Denture Queen"
- Tony Orlando: "Knock Three Times on the Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall"
- Helen Reddy: "I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore"
- Willie Nelson: "On the Commode Again"
- Leslie Gore: "It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To"
- Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"
- The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
- Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
- Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
- Nancy Sinatra: "These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
- Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
- Steely Dan: "Rikki, Don't Lose Your Car Keys"
The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"
The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs: "Bald Thing"